Woo wee! Get your MAGA hat on and buckle up you libtard cucks (I’m looking at you Keith Olbermann) cause I’m ‘bout to teach you the ways of FREEDOM via George Washington & co.
So if you’ve lived your whole life under a rock or in that Communist outpost called Sweden, you might not be familiar with the holiday that’s for guzzlin’ warm Natty Ice and shooting Roman (American) candles at your nephew Dennis! Well, It’s a good thing you’ve got Papa Bear here to tell you all about it.
It all started when Dumbass England, sitting high and mighty, sat up one day and was like “you know what, let’s tax America’s stamps, because fuck them. Those Colonials are just a buncha moochers.” And they go off and pass what’s called the Stamp Act, and as you can imagine, that didn’t fucking sit well with George and the boys back home.
George was all like “Fuck this Red Coat bullshit, let’s boycott this biscuit eating dingle berries.” And so they did, and England was fucking furious. But, those cucks ultimately gave in to the future U.S. of A. and the Colonists raged their tits off.
Now, England being the slimy, queen loving little brother of America decided to go doublecross Rumblin’ Tumblin’ George W… with another fucking tax. This time, on tea, because, you know, who doesn’t love a goddamn sweet tea.
After that, shit got hella heated. The colonists rushed the docks, and threw their shitty unsweet tea into the Atlantic Ocean in the name of the red, white, and blue! This would be like you smashing your drug dealers bong for charging $30 a gram on some low-grade shit (which is warranted and justified).
So what happened next? England started being fuckin’ ball busters and sent their bitch boy redcoats to harass the future citizens of the greatest country on planet Earth! So, one of the low-key homies, Thomas Paine, writes up this kick-ass manifesto called “Common Sense.” And he’s pretty much like “Join up dudes, let’s make a shadow government and create our country and kick these British kid’s asses.” And everyone’s totally like “Hell yes, dude.” So, Thomas Jefferson gets on that shit like it’s one of his slaves, and writes the fuck out of the document we all know and love. When he was finished he looked up at the squad and said, “I think I’ll call this mother fucker The Declaration of Independence.”
George Washington was like, “Ring up the homies, it’s time to revolt like it’s 1799.” And with the help of Tommy J, Ben Frank, and the BEER Emperor himself, Samuel Adams, America was formed. George and the boys made the declaration that these snooty little foreigners can’t tell us what to do. And the rest of the colonials said “Yeah, fuck you England, you’re not my real dad. We’re out this bitch.” And on July 4th, 1776 we gave England the fucking doo-doo butter. Ol’ G. Wash and the boys gave ‘em a real good spanking. So light the fireworks and queue the Star Spangled Banner cause we the champs in this bitch.
Flash forward a couple hunnid years and here we are, land of the free and home of the brave; loving Jesus, hotdogs, monster trucks and the Good Ol’ U.S.A.
Happy 4th of July