Late Thursday evening, Surgeon General Nominee Jerome Adams officially announced that viewing and/or participating in the comment section of any Fox News post does in fact cause cancer.
“What we’ve found was that upon reading even one Fox News comment, tumors begin to rapidly grow inside the viewers cranium,” Adams stated. “It seems to be that the rapid growth of cancer cells is not caused by the particular words that the readers consume, but the thoughts constructed by these words.”
Signs of these carcinogenic comments can be seen throughout the news outlet’s social media posts. For instance, when Fox News posted this quote from professional coke-whore Lindsay Lohan’s twitter account, “THIS IS our President, stop #Bullying him and start trusting him. Thank you personally for supporting #THEUSA,” the mongoloid idiots went bananas.
“KevinConroy860: Finally a young celebrity who defends our President. Fat pigs like Rosie O’Donnell should be living in a barn in another country.”
“Nocal_drizzy99: Great job, looking forward to what great job Trump’s doing today. biggest win America ever had. go Trump”
“god.loves.guns.80: Bullying? No snowflake. It’s called business. It’s called confidence, motivation, and self worth. You came up short buddy and Hilary lost. “Bullying?” No. It’s called “losing”. You’re fake news and frankly, a child. I teach special education and my students hold jobs and have genuine work ethics. They refuse to be “victims.” Shame on you.
Who even knows what point(s) that last guy was trying to make.
“Cancerous,” Adams said.
The human tumor machines went wild again when the President released this statement just a few short months after implementing a travel ban on certain Muslim Countries: “As long as I am President, no one is going to stop you from practicing your faith or from preaching what is in you heart.”
“JabbaDaButt666: God bless our strong and fearless President Trump! He loves our great country and cares about American citizens. He is intelligent, has endless energy, and is dedicated to Making America Great Again! We support you! #USAUSAUSA”
“Godsreel777: Jesus is Golden & HE WANTS THE BEST FOR HIS PEOPLE SO SAY YES & AMEN. “
In addition, other Fox News comments have been known to be the source of other cancerous bullshit such as:
“007Teresa: Love him! Love the way he has the press on their heals. Sanctuary cities on the run. Welfare fraud abusers being dealt with. Illegals are down. My stocks are up. Men are back in the men’s bathroom. Life is normal again.”
“Galwnopals: THE GREATEST PRESIDENT SINCE REAGAN.”
“FakeUSMarineDouche: God Emperor.”
Starting as early as next week, warning labels will be in the corner of every Fox News post, informing readers of carcinogenic comment sections and other potential side effects, including autism and anal leakage.
“We just want to make people aware of what news sources they are consuming and just how much bullshit morons are out there posting on their comment section. The more we can inform people, the safer they will be,” Adams concluded. “And may God not strike us all down in the next four years.”