If there is one thing that separates the winners from the losers in the boudoir, it’s how they react to being asked to eat BIG, JUICY, TREMENDOUS hiney. And when it comes down to it, folks, if your answer is no to that question, then I’m sad to say you’re a loser. I mean, just an absolutely pathetic loser. However, if you do decide that you would like to be over with the winners, on the right side of history, then you need my rules on proper butt-munching etiquette.


Keep Your Ass Clean

Now, you might be saying to yourself, “Donald, I wiped my ass two and a half times after taking my morning shit, I’m good to go, right?” WRONG. Toilet paper does a fine job if you’re running to business meetings, or hiring and firing celebrities on NBC. But if you really want the job done right, you really need soap, water, and a good scrubbing. Melania and Ivanka carry around baby wipes for when the mood strikes me, and a shower just isn’t an option.


Any Hair MUST to be Trimmed

My son-in-law, Jared, does a fantastic job of this. Whenever I’m away on Air Force One, and the urge to lick my way through the Kushner Forest comes over me, Jared always makes sure he has everything in proper order.


Stay Away from the Mexican

When anticipating a salad tossing session in your future, it’s important (like always) to stay away from the Mexican…food. Like I’ve said before, “sometimes the best investments are the ones you didn’t make,” and when it comes to Mexican food and eating ass this might be an investment you might want to pass up on.


No Teeth

While we’re on the subject of eating, I want to make it perfectly clear that at no time are teeth permitted to be used. Anyone who tells you otherwise, is a loser, and fake news.


Don’t be Shy

By my standards, and I have the best standards, you have a very nice butthole. So don’t be shy. Tease the butt and make me want it. Then, spread it wide and get in my face with it. The other option is I grab it and take it for myself anyway. Your choice.


Remember, eating ass is your God given right. Just don’t get too ambitious, and remember to come up for air every now and then. “In the end, you’re measured not by how much you undertake but by what you finally accomplish.”


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