Ladies and gentlemen of the United States, I have a plan that will defeat those LOSERS in the Middle East, ISIS. It will be a military strategy unlike anything the world has ever seen before. It will show them why America is the biggest and best superpower on the entire planet.
Here in the United States, and especially in my administration, we like to do things big. That stance is no different when it comes to fighting terrorists in the Middle East. That’s why General Mattis and I have a marvelous plan, and have decided to bring in a Special Forces team that is sure to pound the hell out of ISIS. One so big, and so strong, that ISIS will have no other choice to submit. Nobody’s a bigger fan of WWE than me. Nobody. So I’ve chosen to bring in the Superstars of the WWE to assist our fine men and women of the US Military.
Just imagine it folks, the Dudley Boys sending terrorists flying off the top of a car and through a table covered in thumbtacks. And we’ll have Stone Cold Steve Austin running through 300 jihadists with his Stone Cold Stunner. Nobody understands the power of a Stone Cold Stunner like me, believe me.
To help make things a little more clear, General Mattis and I have brought in these Hasbro WWE licensed actions figures. Mattis brought over his new Hasbro WWE wrestling ring that comes with the stage and tiny, tiny chairs, and we have played out every possible scenario (all GREAT, by the way).
So Psycho Don, that’s me, and Mad Dog, that’s General Mattis, can’t wait to see the look on all your faces when we enter Mosul, guns blazing, and the Dudley’s and Stone Cold are doing their thing. Then outta nowhere, The Undertaker choke slam’s Joe Shit The Rag down through the dirt and what’s this? Outta nowhere comes John Cena from the top of the mountain! You didn’t even see him! Because you can’t! He’s JOHHHNN CENA, BA BADA BAAA, BA BADA BAAA!
This is going to work believe me folks, with my connections to the McMahon family, the amount of times I have gone to battle with these great men, nobody understands their power like me. And let it be on the record, that Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson was asked to assist in these military operations, but declined. Which doesn’t matter because everyone knows the Stone Cold was the greatest wrestler of the Attitude Era.
To turn the tides and give us the home field advantage, I’m going to put a steal cage around the whole country of Syria. We’re going to put boots to asses, choke slam a few people and litter the country with tables, ladders, and chairs.
From now on, any further military plans will be conducted using officially-licensed Hasbro WWE rings and the figures of our soldiers must be incorporated into all missions.
Best of luck gentlemen, we just discovered the future of warfare.