Listen up faggots, the one and only Brody Clarks is back and this time I get my own section! Booyah! Try to keep your panties on, ladies, because it’s time for your favorite superhero’s origin story!
It all started back when my dad, Martin J. Clarks, was plowing this hooker in the bed of his pickup truck that was parked in a cornfield just outside of Omaha, Nebraska. That hooker turned out to be Helen Cooper, better known as my mom. Once they found out she was knocked up with a future legend, they ran away to Kansas to escape the world-class ass woopin’ that my grandpappy would have brought down upon them. And that’s where my story begins, in the shit hole known as Whalington, Kansas, population 2,053. Growing up I was always the smartest, most athletic kid, wanting to play football for the greatest football team of all time, the Nebraska Cornhuskers! GO BIG RED! People were jealous of me, no doubt about it, but I was raking in enough poon to drown my entire kindergarten class so the sheeple’s opinions didn’t matter to me, the apostle of “wokeness.” I bet they were all still virgins, and I’ve been basking in a waterfall of bitches ever since.
In middle school I stopped playing sports, started my career as an entrepreneur, and began selling weed. That made me popular as shit. I showed all the little white fuckers I went to school with the ways of the devil’s lettuce. That’s how I discovered the greatest rapper of all time, Wiz Khalifa. My parents made me go on vacation to Pittsburgh one summer for vacation, and I met Wiz at this bar I snuck into with my fake. I swear to god we smoked like 7 blunts with the hottest chicks in Pennsylvania. I told him I’d spread the word about his mixtape and now he’s famous because of me, basically. You could say I’m OG Taylor Gang.
I took a break from helping build Wiz’s career to go to Wichita State University after high school and spent my days much like I have most of my life, slamming vag Monday through Sunday like a fucking champ, winning Ultimate tourneys, and just being the fucking best every day. After three and a half years, I woke up one day a 21-year-old sophomore and realized that the whole concept of college was bullshit and that I was wasting my intelligence on college, being herded like the rest of the sheep.
Now I spend my days as the shift manager of the best Gamestop shop in world, making $4.23 an hour under the table, crushing poon and going 80-1 as Hanzo in Overwatch. Building my empire and waiting for the world to catch on to how fucking awesome Brody Clarks is. Watch out you fucking cucks, I’m coming for ya!