“Man, I just don’t fuck wit, none of these bitches, man,” Lil’ Dick Pumpy exclaimed while sitting in the back seat of his limousine. He clutched his Styrofoam cup filled with lean while smoking his third blunt of the hour and a half car ride through Los Angles.
“I want some fine fuckin’ bitches in this hoe and all you ma fucka’s brought me were these ug-mug dykes.” Dick Pump shouted. “Aint that right, hoe? SKIDIDIT!”
The Instagram model sitting to his left ignored the comments, continuing to look down at her phone to distract her from the incredibly direct insults.
“See man, wack!” He took a few more puffs of an already dwindling cigarillo. “There better be some fine bitches here, I swear to God. Yo Dookie, let me get some of those Xans before we head into the club, I’m finna be hella lit by the time I get dare.”
Soon a mixture of lean, weed, and Xanex sent Lil Dick Pumpy nodding out for the remaining 45 minutes of the seemingly never-ending car ride. The car finally pulled up to the entrance of Cougars, the only strip club in town willing to risk legal action for hosting Lil’ Dick Pumpy’s 13th birthday. The sudden stop shook the rapper back to life. Realizing he had arrived at his destination, Dick Pump grabbed his Pokémon duffle bag full of cash and drugs, before falling out the exit of the vehicle.
Stumbling past security who wasn’t going to attempt to ID him, he staggered his way through the strip club to a table that read “Reserved for LIL DICK PUMPY” before collapsing into the booth.
Without hesitation, he fumbled for his phone and starts uploading videos to Snapchat.
“Ey, what’s good, fam? It’s ya boy, Lil Dick Pumpy, out here in the club, poppin’ bottles, sippin’ lean, you know what I mean? SKIDIDIT!” As he closed the phone he shouted, “yo, Dook’s, we need those hoes I was talking about earlier. Let’s get to that.”
Noticing the state of his 13-year-old talent, road manager Richard Thrust decided to take action. “Yo, man. Homeboy is too fucked up to be in public, let alone at a strip club. We need something to wake this mother fucker up before this little nigga gets us all sent to prison.”
“I got it,” said El Jero, one of Dick’s posse, as he pulled out a bag of white powder from the inside pocket of his varsity jacket. He proceeded to stroll over towards the unconscious teenager in the corner, waking him up and persuading him to rail a line of coke off the oil-coated table in front of him.
Lil Dick Pumpy immediately perked up, like if you gave cocaine to a child. Within seconds, he leaped on the table and shouted, “MORE HOES! SKIDIDIT!” while holding a stack of $5,000 to his ear. On command, strippers began crawling their way from every crack and corner of the club to surround him. After surveying the buffet line of hoes placed in front of him, Lil Dick Pumpy spotted a young blonde woman who may have been the youngest of the group. He moved toward her as if she was a magnet, standing over her with his hand out to lead her away to the V.I.P. room where all three and a half inches of “Little Lil Dick Pumpy” would get to party.
“Let’s go, bitch,” Dick said without an ounce of respect.
“Ok,” she giggled like a person lacking an ounce of self-respect. Back in the V.I.P. room things began to get hot and heavy between the young rapper and statutory rapist.
“Take your dick out, baby” she demanded.
“Oh yeah? You want this dick? SKIDIDIT!” She nodded in agreement. Lil Dick Pumpy obeyed her request, but as hard as he tried Lil Lil Pumpy refused to wake up.
“Yo, what the fuck?” he said in confusion.
Unsympathetic to the situation, she immediately went on the attack. “What’s wrong, you gay or something?”
“Aye, shut the fuck up. I’ll be right back.”
Pumpy excused himself out of the backroom, and stumbled his way back to where his posse were enjoying their time off babysitting.
“Yo, Rick! I need to holla at you fo’ a second,” motioning his manager away from the table.
The two walked away from the party and the rapper immediately releases his panic. “Man, I’ve got this bitch back in there and…and… I can’t my dick up. Like, nothing, like it won’t even twitch, bro. I don’t know what to do!”
Thrusts, amused, said “Nigga, you on so much shit yo dick don’t want nothing to do with life right now.”
“Huh?” Dick Pumpy said, confused.
“YOU’RE ON SO MANY DRUGS YOUR DICK WON’T GET UP!”
“WHAT?! WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO THEN?” the 13-year-old said horrified.
“Take these,” Rick said, pulling some blue pills out of his pocket. “Soon you won’t be able to be soft.”
Pumpy snatched the pills out of his managers hand and hustled back to the booth, grabbing some lean to wash them down before disappearing back to the V.I.P. room.
Rick returned to the table and informed the party of the scenario. “Little nigga fucked himself up and made his dick soft.” The table unanimously broke out into laughter. “I gave him like three Viagra and sent him on his way.”
“You gave him three?” a miscellaneous squad member questioned. “Those where 100 milligrams each. That’s enough to give a whale an erection for a week.”
As the group realized what they had done to their young companion, a commotion broke out at the entrance of the club. LAPD made their way through the club, eyeing patrons as they walked by. Before anyone could do anything, the pair of officers walked back through the curtain.
“AHHHHH!” A high-pitched blood curdling scream came from where the officers just entered. Lil Dick Pump burst through the curtains with his pants down by his ankles and a rock solid erection.
“FREEZE!” One officer exclaimed before tazing the rapper, sending him bouncing off the ground like a basketball.
LATER, AT ST. MARY’s HOSPITAL
“Well, your son seems stable for now, which is lucky considering he suffered three seizures, two heart attacks, and a stroke,” said Dr. Julie Martin.
“He’s not my son, but I’m sorry this happened. I don’t know what went wrong,” Rick responded.
“Well maybe if his diet didn’t solely consist of pills and cough syrup, incidents like this could be avoided. I mean, how is this even legal? The kid got arrested and the cops just dropped him off and left. He’s on a steady diet of drugs, it’s all over social media, and nobody is doing anything about it! I mean, he came in a stripper’s eye and blinded her while getting caught by police and this isn’t the last straw?!”
Lil Dick Pumpy, waking up from his medically induced coma, looked at the doctor and whispered, “It’s cause I’m rich, bitch. Skididit.”