To Our Readers,
It has come to my attention that, although seemingly obvious, some of you on this planet of monkey-people need to be reminded that it is common decency to properly wash your ass every time you are in the shower. Although this may seem like common sense, there are still those out there who repeatedly neglect their ass crack/hole while washing their body. This is just unreasonable. That is why I have taken it upon myself to single out, demean, and force the “unclean” into killing themselves without a second thought.
First of all, how fucking dare you. Who the fuck raised your stupid ass to not have the self-respect to run some soap and water past your ass when you’re in the shower? How do you figure that the running, soapy water that rolls off your body in the shower is enough to properly clean your crack? Do you come from a long line of shit chimps with dirty assholes? If so then I apologize for that shit roll of the dice, but the planet would benefit from your swift death.
But, the issue doesn’t just stop with the offender. Those who disregard anal hygiene aren’t just “forever alones.” These people have girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands, wives, and families, who all suffer from their negligence. Anyone who’s ever been there knows that there’s nothing worse than hitting it from the back and getting the strong whiff of ass before looking down to notice a dingleberry hanging on to your girlfriends b-hole, or blowing your dude while it smells like his dick is in the middle of his ass crack. It’s rude, uncalled for, and just plain wrong.
So if you find yourself reading this thinking “Hey, that sounds like me,” then kill yourself. If this sounds like someone you love, kill them. The state won’t prosecute you, I promise. They will understand. By eliminating these people, we are saving white underwear, towels, and nostrils everywhere. Help us, help you.