Capricorn: Be willing to step outside your comfort zone. Your partner has really been pushing anal and if you open yourself(or your asshole) up, you could potentially experience something wonderful. Although, it’s easier said than shoved up your ass.  

Libra:You might be more connected with your thoughts, feelings, and intuition in the weeks ahead. But, you need to forget all that gay shit. There’s a much needed abortion in your future and that $700 isn’t going to make itself. So call up your old boss and ask him if he’s still willing to pay to fuck.

Aries: Your laser focus on health and fitness lately has been incredible, but make sure your wellness advice comes from reliable sources. Otherwise, you’ll be getting your cardio by running from Harlem crack dealers, again. 

 

Taurus: Venus will be moving into your zone on Tuesday, which means you should put and emphasis on fun. So skip th usually marathon of masturbation and shit talking, and grab some Crystal with the goys! 

 

Gemini: This week you should take the time to beautify your environment. It’s been 12 weeks since the layoff and looks beyond like shit. The food has long past rotten and your cat died 3 weeks ago under your Lazy Boy, but you can’t smell that while your sitting in a pile of your own shit. 

 

Cancer: This is a great week to network and meet like-minded individuals. Word on the street is there’s and “I Hate Jews, and So Do You” rally going on so pack up your Tiki torches and head for Charlottesville. 

 

Leo: This is a great week for new beginnings. So stand up and walk right the fuck out of this call center. This shitty fucking call center that has been the cause of Morning nausea and vomiting for the last two years. Save yourself the murder charges and go home, you’re free now. 

 

Scorpio: With Venus in your social sector this could be a great time to socialize. You could relax at the park, hangout with friends, go to a club, or attend a ball, Cinderella. But you won’t. Your crippling anxiety will have you locked to the couch in the fetal position, clinging to a pillow and another Netflix series. 

 

Sagittarius: Your focus on goals and ambition should be put on hold this week. That kid who sits alone at lunch is about to turn your English class into a Quentin Tarantino film, so its best to stay home. 

 

Aquarius: Your potential for inner transformation is strong now. You may feel compelled to explore issues that have been holding you back. Like your piece of shirt husband who you just found out blew your 3 kids college fund on premium snapchats and hookers. 

 

Pisces: With a powerful emphasis on your relationship zone right now you may feel the need to go out and make some romantic connections. That is until you remember your fucking asshole of an ex-boyfriend and decide to go down to the Naval Base and have a train run on you by some Navy Seal gorillas. 

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