Aries: The week ahead could be a revelation if it encourages you to take action and free yourself from a situation that has held you back. So now you realize those pesky laws against murder are only for people who get caught, and you’re not like those idiots. Don’t be afraid to pull the trigger.
Taurus: If you feel a sense of excitement in the days ahead, don’t. Your dirty little hooker of a neighbor might finally be letting you hit, but spoiler alert, she’s pregnant with your brother.
Gemini: This will be a week of growth and learning. You may not have gotten that job, but you definitely won’t be telling interviewers about selling your nudes to virgins online anymore.
Cancer: You may feel moved to explore an entrepreneurial idea; just because you’ve had a string of bad relationships doesn’t mean you can test out the human trafficking market.
Leo: An unexpected encounter can pave the way for an unforgettable conversation. Who would have thought you’d run into your tinder hoe while out with your girlfriend?
Virgo: With a dynamic aspect between expansive Jupiter and invocative Uranus across your financial axis, be prepared for ideas or opportunities to take your earnings to the next level. Before you know it, you’ll be able to stop blowing your step dad and pay him the rent he charges you.
Scorpio: POOP. FLUSH. WIPE. FLUSH. #PFWF
Libra: An encounter this week can change your life in unexpected ways. Like the guy who you sent you is credit card info over Instagram might also be sending you to jail for fraud.
Sagittarius: Romance might hit you out of the blue, but this time it could be something special. Not only is she employed with no kids, but she’ll let you eat the butt, too.
Capricorn: You may feel like breaking free of family interference, particularly if someone seems to be keeping you from your ambitions. Remember that sometimes the ones closest to you are the ones fucking you hardest in the ass.
Aquarius: This week, you could be the revolutionary that introduces someone to an idea that changes their life. Hurry! Pre-order your Savage America CumSocks™ now! Great for gifts to loved ones!
Pisces: An expansive blend of energies this week suggests that taking a small risk could result in modest windfall. However, last time you took a small risk it resulted in your 46-year-old male “internet girlfriend” from Runescape to show up at your parent’s house at 2:30 am on a school night.