On Wednesday, top United States Army leader General George A. Patton revealed “above top secret” military documents that high ranking government officials part of the secret global fraternity, “The Illuminati”, were either cold blooded creatures from deep inside the Earth’s crust or participating in an ancient immortality ritual that involved ingesting the blood of infants.

General Ass Patton was quoted saying “Yeah most of these sons of bitches are either worshipin’ some sorta owl God named Moloch, sacrificing kids to him and drinking their blood for knowledge and fortune of this realm, or they’re straight up fuckin’ reptilians. You know? The lizard like humanoids that can take the form of people in what conspiracy theorists online call human suits.”

Documents revealed by General Patton stated that each year, reptilian and human elites alike gather on the private island of rich pedophile Jared Fogle. They then spend the weekend in Jared’s backyard huddled around a 30 ft. tall statue of Moloch praying to the God for riches and wisdom unknown to Mankind. There is sex being had, drugs being done, and children being sacrificed only to have their blood consumed shortly after. The blood contains anti-aging nutrients that science was never allowed to release to the public.

Washington has since gone into damage control with a junior White House Staffer, quoting President Donald J. Trump as saying “Shut this shit down. I don’t want any of those fucking retards finding out anything else.”

Although it is still unclear what goes on in these secret meetings on Pedophile Island, the online vigilantes “The Edgy Edgesters” said that they will be releasing more information as to what goes down at Jared’s Pedo-Dome and that they will not rest until “justice is served for Rachel’s death.”

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