Aries: Both your love life and connections to you colleagues are on the agenda this week. The HR receptionist knows that you called her a “stupid cunt” behind her back and your boyfriend found you while cheating on Tinder. Have fun with that shit!

Taurus: Luscious Venus makes some leading aspects this week. In fact, the days up to and including Thursday could rekindle the romance in a long-term relationship or encourage a budding connection to become more intimate. Worst comes to worse, you’ll have an incredible jerk off session to your neighbors Instagram photos from that vacation she took to Hawaii last month.

Gemini: When they pull you over, eat the pot.

Cancer: You could be your own worst enemy this week, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Bill is a dumb, ugly fuck. Make him your worst enemy.

Leo: There is a possibility that you could earn more money, but there is also a chance that you’ll spend it all before the week is up. I guess it just depends on how quickly you go through your drugs.

Virgo: It could be difficult to see eye to eye with certain family members, but you sister gives the best blowjobs.

Libra: It’s Libra season and much like the children running around the neighborhood high on sugar, you should kill yourself.

Scorpio: An intense aspect early in the week could mean you’re compulsively drawn to someone and find it hard to turn your attention to other things. But, don’t go back to your heroine dealer; the shakes and pants shitting will stop soon.

Sagittarius: You may draw some fascinating opportunities to you, but it’s also possible that you could resist them. You finally got 40 dudes together willing to gangbang you, don’t pass it up.

Capricorn: While you may be inspired to follow a new path that shows plenty of promise, you might feel edgy if it means moving too far outside your comfort zone. Good thing you’re edgy as fuck and will totally show those shitlord’s who’s top fedora.

Aquarius: Here you are, listening to Aquarius at the end of The 40 Year Old Virgin, again.

Pisces: It’s time for a much needed change! Instead of sending your only tinder match your daily “Good Morning 🙂 ” message, try a “Hey Stranger” instead. she’ll surely respond this time.

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