Aries: Getting someone to see things your way may not be easy at the start of the week unless you can put yourself in their shoes. But, they work out a lot. Get yourself a third Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese.

*This horoscope is brought to you by McDonald’s*

Taurus: You could be your own worst enemy at the start of the week, especially if you’re holding back from an opportunity that would be good for you. Bill is still pretty fucking stupid; he’s your worst enemy now.

Gemini: You might be putting too much pressure on yourself, which could get in the way of accomplishing something that should be easy. So give in, loosen your butthole and let it all out. You haven’t shit for three days and it’s this or the emergency room.

Cancer: You’re cancer, plain and simple. But, you didn’t need a horoscope or your mom writing it in your birthday card for you to know that, did you?

Leo: Good thing you don’t like Jason Aldean. NEVER LEAVE YOUR HOUSE AGAIN. This one was too close.

Virgo: You might find yourself trying to persuade a family member to go along with your way of thinking. But, you have to realize that your sister may not be as into incest porn as you are.

Libra: With adventurous, lively Jupiter, your personal planet, changing signs this week, you may notice a shift in your focus so you really want to swing by and pick up some Adderall before your dealer gets arrested.

Scorpio: Your negotiating skills may be needed this week, especially if you are pitted against the stubborn desires of another. Lying to your boyfriend about being into anal doesn’t seem so harmless now, huh?

Sagittarius: You’ve never shit your pants as an adult before, but that’s all going to change on Friday.

Capricorn: You could clash with someone in authority early in the week and get arrested..again.

Aquarius: Could the coming year be the one in which you make a big splash? No. No it’s not.

Pisces: If a certain loved one appears stubbornly stuck in their ways, it could cause a clash of views and values unless you can be willing to have a heart-to-heart chat even then your dog still wont understand why it’s wrong to bark at black people.

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