Team Owners in the “4th and 20” Fantasy Football League announced at a press conference today that they are suing Commissioner Justin “The Q” Quinn. Charges against Quinn range from conspiracy to point fixing and everything in between.
At the press conference, Aaron Gardner was baffled by his team’s improbable Week 3 loss to the commissioner’s team. “How could I lose?! Especially against Justin “Qdell” ( a derogatory nickname aimed at Quinn, which some owners say is too harsh towards Rodger Goodell). I was starting Melvin Gordon AND Todd Gurley. He played fucking Jarred Goff and Alfred Morris!”
One source close to Savage America believes Quinn and his Aunt Kathy have been colluding since the end of last season when they finished in 7th and 8th place, respectively, in the league last season. The unnamed source points to some pretty damning evidence. “Qdell has not only scored more points than anyone, he also has the least points scored against him. His aunt is somehow in god damn 3rd place, and she starts Phillip Rivers and Demarco Murray. I’m not saying they’re in cahoots, I’m saying they’re definitely fucking each other.” Yahoo had predicted that both Justin and his aunt would yet again finish 7th & 8th in the league after this year’s draft, yet they are somehow dominating the league, with Quinn in first with his aunt close behind. If Quinn is found guilty of these allegations, he will be forced to forfeit his first 3 picks in the next draft and resign as commissioner.
Furthermore, other complaints have been filed against Qdell. Three separate owners have come forward and told sources that Quinn has attempted bribe his opponents with “dabs”(extremely potent marijuana concentrate) and handles of Tito’s vodka if they benched their best players in return. Many owners are protesting Mikey, by kneeling during his bi-weekly “Pub Sub” order announcements.
When asked for comment, Quinn had this to say: “Fuck you, I’ll murder your family!”