Aries: Cupid may have struck you unexpectedly. Your libido could be in high gear this week and you’re ready for love. But, instead, you disappoint your ancestors and buy a hooker from Craigslist. At least you get paid on Friday.

Taurus: With a lovely focus enhancing your relationships, you may find that this very positive blend of energies helps smooth over problems, as well as create opportunities you’ll relish. You’ll need this love and support when you do 6-11 years on a methamphetamine charge. Should’ve quit while you were ahead.

Gemini: Romance could be sweet with luscious Venus now dancing through your leisure zone. But that’s a lot of work, so hold a masturbation seminar on your couch taking breaks only to eat ice cream and watch reruns of friends.

Cancer: With sociable Venus in your home and family sector, you may have more thoughts of entertaining. You should invite everyone from your high school to a party at your friend’s house without their permission.

Leo: With optimistic Jupiter and chatty Mercury in your home zone, you might be making plans to expand your house or be eager move somewhere that gives you more opportunities. If you move from South Harlem to Times Square you’ll find higher paying Johns.

Virgo: The week ahead brings many chances to work on some great deals and opportunities. Now might be the chance to move that weed from Colorado across the country.

Libra: With lovely Venus, your personal planet, now in your sign, you may feel truly in your element. But, you’ve been a real piece of shit up until lately, and karma’s going to feel bad, man.

Scorpio: Now that lucky Jupiter is in your sign with chatty Mercury, you might begin to feel more relaxed and confident. So maybe you’ll be able to get it up this week?

Saggitarius: Grandma’s going on a trip to heaven this weekend. But, only for a few minutes.

Capricorn: There are plenty of stirrings in your sector of goals and ambitions, especially with delectable Venus encouraging you to lay on the charm. But, that piece of shit Bill at work is such a Piece of Fucking Shit that you might throw all that away for a murder charge.

Aquarius: The coming weeks and months could be superb for you if you’re willing to put in a bit of extra effort. But have you ever really been that type of person?

Pisces: It wouldn’t be surprising if you felt like setting sail and traveling to someplace exotic to unwind and soak up the vibes. To bad your broke as fuck, bitch. You’re staying home.

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