Aries: You may feel like a snail emerging from its shell.But, that’s just a dull illusion of a twisted reality. Quit your job and NEVER LEAVE HOME AGAIN.

Taurus: Your boisterous, generous attitude is inspiring and welcomed by others. Who does that bitch Kathy at the office think she is to turn her nose up to your homemade queso? She can go right along and get fucked.

Gemini: Romantic activities could be very enjoyable this week. Too bad you’re a forever alone whose pubic hair is so long it changes the form of their underwear.

Cancer: The sun in your leisure and pleasure sector encourages you to get involved in hobbies, pastimes, or sporting activities that you enjoy.You could engage in unprompted staring contests with random women in public or watch children play on the playground from afar.

Leo: Home and family affairs come into focus as the sun in Scorpio encourages you to look more deeply into associated issues. You may even realize that you’d all be better off if your mother never had children.

Virgo: Everyone knows you like peeing in water bottles at night in your room and, yes, everyone thinks it’s weird.

Libra: As the sun angles toward ethereal Neptune, be careful when signing contracts or deals associated with your job or business. It’s only your second contract in the porn industry and you have no clue what “air-tight” means.

Scorpio: The week brings a full moon in Taurus, which could see feelings boiling over, particularly if they’ve been repressed for some time. Scream your boyfriend for the microwave being too loud.

Sagittarius: As sobering Saturn continues in your sign, it could encourage you to be more serious regarding your goals, plans, and ambitions. But, you’ve had 6 consecutive months of condomless sex with no STD’s or abortions and you cant leave the table while it’s hot.

Capricorn: There could be romantic potential showing up for you this week, particularly around the full moon in your leisure and pleasure sector. So, if you’re lucky, someone will put their full moon on your leisure and pleasure sector.

Aquarius: Career and business matters continue to hold your attention, with the present alignment encouraging you to expand your horizons. But, are you really ready to go all in on virtual reality porn?

Pisces: You may feel like you’re riding a fast train to success. Boy, will you be pissed when they lay you off on Thursday.

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