Aries: The week begins on a potentially passionate note with the likelihood of a romance or the rekindling of a relationship. But, that will swiftly come to an end when you fart in her face while you 69 on Saturday. Have fun living that one down.
Taurus: As feisty Mars continues its journey through your wellness sector, you’ll be eager to explore the latest fitness ideas. But, that pull up bar show curtain you bought will only result in two blow out knees when it breaks off your wall.
Gemini: Both work and play are high on your agenda this week, with lively Mars encouraging you to showcase your best skills and dabble in favorite hobbies. Just don’t masturbate at work, again, please.
Cancer: Ideas for creative projects that might earn more money could buzz through your mind. A Xanex delivery truck only looks good on paper, though.
Leo: With Thanksgiving Day just around the corner, this week could be one of preparation. Take the Thanksgiving rations from the bunker and have some above ground fun with the family.
Virgo: On Monday, a delightful blend of energies could see you getting along very well with others. That’ll fade quick. You fucking hate people.
Libra: You might be in the mood to do some Thanksgiving shopping. But if you set out on Monday, your generosity will likely shine through and you could spend more than you intended. Leaving you too broke to buy gas and unable to get to work. Making for yet another holiday season spent unemployed.
Scorpio: You’re certainly in your element with the start of the week perhaps coinciding with a party or seasonal get-together. Who knew your grandma’s funeral would bring this out of you!
Sagittarius: You’ll likely be in a very charitable and benevolent mood at the start of this week, and this could continue for some time. Until your cousin gives you a $15 Fandango gift card for Christmas. Then you’ll never give nice presents EVER AGAIN.
Capricorn: You could be getting into the spirit of the holiday season for real this week, as easygoing Venus and flamboyant Jupiter connect in your social sector. But, slow down on the alcoholic eggnog. Your co-workers can tell your drunk at work.
Aquarius: Good fortune could strike early this week. Then will be swiftly taken away with the tragic loss of your big toe!
Pisces: Romance is a possibility if you’re traveling. European women love to bang Americans who will be leaving the continent.