Aries: Try to get things organized at the start of the week, because you could be less inclined to plan by the end of it. Mostly because you’ll be so fucking drunk it’ll be amazing that you’re still breathing.

Taurus: You might sense that something needs to change, but the start of the week may not be the time to act. You’ll quit heroin, tomorrow.

Gemini: Don’t take it personally if someone seems somewhat aloof at the start of the week. They’ll be just as aloof at the end of the week because they don’t know you or about your weird fantasies about them.

Cancer: You could be under a lot of pressure early in the week, but when you advertise yourself on Tinder as “The Human Chair” you have to let the fat chicks have a seat too.

Leo: Don’t be too hard on yourself if a creative project doesn’t go as planned. You’ve failed plenty of times before. Why would this time be any different?

Virgo: The start of the week might see you engaged in mental tasks that could be quite demanding. Like trying not to kill yourself before the upcoming holiday season.

Libra: Try not to set yourself too many impossible tasks early on, as you could find it hard to live up to your expectations. So try this, whenever you feel like you are overextending yourself with chores, sit down on the couch, masturbate, and do nothing for the rest of the day.

Scorpio: You could feel a little cash strapped at the start of the week, but this is a temporary phase. You’ll really know what it’s like to be hurting for case two weeks from now after you lose your job on Thursday.

Sagittarius: Give yourself a break and try to be less demanding of yourself, especially at the week’s start. Any more stress and you’re going to have a fucking stroke.

Capricorn: You could be doing a lot of thinking early in the week, and this might lead to a decision that has been some time in the making. Nothing will tell your parents how much you hate the family than taking a fat shit on the dining room table on Christmas.

Aquarius: You might need to make a tough decision related to a friendship or social group at the week’s start. Andrea has to learn that pregnant bitches aren’t allowed in this friend group.

Pisces: The week’s start could see you grappling with certain responsibilities. But, the longer you procrastinate on paying that parking ticket the more likely you are to get arrested before Hannukah.

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