Aries: If you’ve made any decisions recently, it wouldn’t be surprising if you had second thoughts now. Gina Pizer is a total hog and you shouldn’t have hit it raw dog if you weren’t prepared for the consequences.

Taurus: Issues associated with shared finances and business matters could capture your attention over this week. You’re negative $57 in your account and you don’t get paid til next Friday. What the fuck are you doing you crazy bitch?!

Gemini: Someone may have made a promise, but it’s possible they might have to break it. It’s because men say stupid shit when they want to get laid. You won’t be together forever and that mole on your leg does freak him out.

Cancer: With lively Mercury aligning with prudent Saturn, the coming days could be a little trying, especially with Mercury presently retrograde. What the fuck is a retrograde?

Leo: You’ll be in the mood to enjoy yourself, and with a delightful blend of energies showing up, it will be worthwhile to make the most of any available opportunities. Like masturbating in the living room while your roommate is out of town.

Virgo: This week’s blend of energies encourages you to get your house in order, both literally and figuratively. You’re finally out of heroin and now you can get shit done.

Libra: Warm, tender feelings are enlivened this week, encouraging you to reach out to friends or family members you haven’t seen or heard from in a while. Ask your Uncle Vincent why he hasn’t sent you a Christmas card in almost a decade.

Scorpio: Finances get a boost this week, but not before you might have to scramble to tackle one or two problems. Just when you thought you were in the financial clearing, Wells Fargo fucks your ass again with another overdraft fee.

Sagittarius: The week gets off to a pleasant start as friends and associates are likely to be in touch. But everyone is “too busy” to talk to you once the weekend comes, fuck them.

Capricorn: The focus on your spiritual sector could encourage you to take a short break to relax and recharge. But, now you’re too fucking blazed to go back to work.

Aquarius: Friends are in touch and want to have fun.  But, Jesus wasn’t into hippie swinger bullshit and neither are you.

Pisces: Travel and educational pursuits could hold a lot of appeal, particularly as you may be itching to expand your horizons. But that costs a lot more than just sleeping with random guys all weekend.

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