Aries: Your plans for January 1st will consist of quality time with a family who never loved you. But, Uncle Jim is a cheating alcoholic, Aunt Linda is on her 3rd failing marriage, and your cousin Scott is dying of AIDS. So I guess, you know, full circle and what not.

Taurus: Hey Fucko, you can do all the talking you want, but “New Year, New Me” requires that you to leave the house and do more than smoke pot while taking pictures in your panties. But, I guess if it helps you take a step back from you failing marriage and crippling debt, you do you.

Gemini: You can attend church as many Sunday’s this month as you’d like, but it still won’t change the fact that you’re a terrible person. Everyone knows you’re stealing from your dying father behind your sibling’s backs and your wife and kids talk about what a piece of shit you are when you’re not around. The divorce is coming if Satan doesn’t drag you to Hell first.

Cancer: Sorry you didn’t get engaged last month like you thought you were going to, but just because you’ve been dating the same person since the middle school doesn’t mean it’s a smart idea to get married in your early twenties. Take this month to think about how you’ve only legally been allowed to fuck you boyfriend, who’s three years your elder, for the last 4 years.

Leo: Don’t rush into Marriage like your aunt just because you feel like your biological clock is ticking. You still have a few more years to rush into an ill-advised marriage. Who know’s, you might even get knocked up by a hottie with a good job, instead of trying to make things work with the manager of the dollar theatre. Hoe around this month. It might save your life.

Virgo: The condoms you keep in your drawer are going to be as dusty as your balls this month. Nobody and I means nobody, thinks your vape tricks are cool. All you do is smell like a stripper with your blueberry, vanilla ass. Ditch the vape for any chance at fucking. Sorry, not sorry.

Libra: Your dealer has been dodging your ass for months and it’s going to continue into 2018. It might be time to take justice into your own hands and send that hooker to prison. One anonymous phone call to the boys in blue and her and her shifty-eyed boyfriend will be in the back of a paddy wagon heading downtown. That will teach them to fuck with your drugs.

Scorpio: Despite what you think, nobody at work is stabbing you in the back because they all fucking hate you and don’t want to be within 10 feet of you to do the stabbing. This month, if you want to have a better time at work, stop crying to your boss and try taking a shower.

Sagittarius: When you’re home alone this month crying over, yet another, pint of Halo Top Ice Cream, remember that while you’re telling yourself it is healthy, that that’s the same sort of thinking that leads you to 400lbs in the first place. Yes, everyone is “so proud” that you lost 200lbs, but their attention dwindles, when you talk about how much your pacemaker hurts as it slides around your fat tit. Everyone is still shocked that any doctor was willing to save someone with such little self-control.

Capricorn: You’re going to crash and burn so fucking hard this month. Like Mariah Carey trying to sing on New Year’s Eve, but her girdle is too tight and she’s fucking hammered, again. Your goals and ambitions are wack and the only reason you’re still alive is sheer luck. But, stay strong. February might suck less for you and your shitty comedy blog.

Aquarius: You did it! You moved to LA this month and finally showed all those uncultured dickheads back home in Florida that you are truly part of the elite. What you didn’t factor in is that when your only goal is to be famous you become a master of none, and will spend your short-lived stint in California as a struggling waiter for people who don’t respect you. Have fun, kid. I hope the blown savings was worth it.

Pisces: Love might be a little hard to come by this month. But, don’t let your asshole ex-boyfriend get in your head and let you think your pussy smells like old fish. It smells like beef tacos. Which for some reason is oddly enjoyable and repulsing at the same time. If you hold tight, you might just find someone who will chow down like your a street cart taco stand in Mexico City.

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