While the marriage rate in the US hovers around 50%, the marriage rate for Trifling Messes has climbed to a whopping 90%, according to a recent study.

The study defines “Trifling Messes” as individuals who occupy at least 40% of the news cycle for little to no apparent reason and earn salaries higher than the average American while contributing significantly less to society.

Prominent members of the Trifling Mess community include Donald Trump, Omarosa, Kim Jong Un and Florida (the entire state).

Attractiveness does not play a role. However, the level of hairspray applied on a daily basis does correlate with higher rates of marriage.

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Scientists have a number of different explanations for why Trifling Messes have so much more success entrapping spouses into a lifetime commitment of shared finances than the average American.

Marriage is more common among wealthier individuals. Trifling Messes tend to be wealthier because the capitalist system that feeds off of and controls the world is rigged in their favor, one scientist suggests.

Trifling Messes have chameleon-like camouflage properties, shielding their true reptilian nature from view using disguises such as “wife” and “loving mother”.

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