Girl – I’m really excited about our first date!

Guy – Me too!

Girl – By the way I’ll be bringing my bodyguard Lucius. He’s a master at Kraw Magraw or Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.

Guy – No prob, good call. I’m also gonna run a quick background check on you just to make sure there’s no history of blackmail or stalkery.

Girl – Lit! Already ran one on you and gotta say, good record, well besides those few incidents in college but who doesn’t have a few of those right haha!

Guy – Lmao! So if things go well and we head back to my place I’ll need you to sign a nondisclosure agreement.

Girl – No worries, if we go I’ll leave Lucius at the door but I will be live-tweeting the whole thing and I’m ok with hooking up on your couch, but no bedroom stuff on the first date.

Guy – No prob and even if we did go to the bedroom I would skype the whole thing to my lawyer just to be safe.

Girl – Yah, just to be safe.

Written by Dave Jessup

Stand up comedian, improviser and creepy doll maker.

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