A 2-minute time-filler on ESPN has generated a month of passionate conversation in San Antonio about whether LeBron James would be welcome on their beloved Spurs.
Many San Antonio residents have great pride in their city (which is known for The Alamo and diabetes) and are unsure whether James meets their high standards.
“We don’t want drama queens on our team,” said the fans of a team whose coach was recently ejected from two games in one month due to emotional outbursts.
San Antonio residents were quick to point out that their issues with James had nothing to do with his race. “We’re totally cool with black NBA stars, so long as they look and behave exactly like Tim Duncan.” No word yet on whether the movie “Get Out” was based on San Antonio.
Said another resident, “We’re not racist. Austin is racist.” The relevance of this statement is still unclear.
“Pops would eat James alive,” said one fan. When reminded that Greg Popovich had recently been extremely complimentary of James, the fan responded, “He’s lying. The Illuminati made him say it.”
Residents insisted that LeBron’s behavior was subpar compared to other NBA superstars. “We would totally welcome LeBron if he was more respectable, like [noted Shaq-banisher] Kobe Bryant and [Hitle mustache aficionado] Michael Jordan.”
Perhaps most perplexed of all at this discussion was LeBron James himself. “Why would I ever move to San Antonio? So I could gain 50 pounds and get shot?”