Dating sites across America have started to require men who own an AR-15 assault rifle to put that information in their profile.


Michael Thomas of Christian Mingle explains, “One of our biggest complaints is woman finding out that the men they are interested in have a micropenis. A lot of times, men will hide this fact and wait until the women are emotionally invested, an unfair and cruel practice. Studies have shown men that are drawn to owning machine guns are compensating for having tiny dicks a.k.a a micropenis.”


Thomas continued, “The nice thing is men who own AR-15’s love to brag about them, so we don’t have to pressure them to add that information to their profiles. So far, the woman on our site have been fucking ecstatic to avoid these men and those awkward dates when she reaches down and only finds a mushroom.”

Written by Dave Jessup

Stand up comedian, improviser and creepy doll maker.

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