Well, well, well, who’d have thunk it…scientists at the University of Phoenix recently discovered that the precious stones dubbed “healing” crystals don’t do much healing at all. A lot of people (ones with brains in their fucking skulls) may have already had this realization. But, what shocked the scientific community was the discovery that was made just last week.
“What we found was that these crystals, used in pseudo-medicine as an alternative to health care treatments that actually work, cause cancer instead of working as a form of illness prevention and or doing any sort of healing,” stated University of Phoenix Director of Science, Dr. Michael Degrassi Tyson.
Three groups of ten healthy individuals were observed in the conducted study with one group receiving healing crystals, another ten people using placebo healing crystals, which were just rocks found on the road, and the final group receiving nothing at all.
As a result, 7 out of the ten people who used healing crystals ended up with cancers of the ass, brain, and heart, with one subject even getting dick cancer, and she was female. It has been concluded that these results may or may not be a good thing depending on what side of the issue you sit.
Dr. Degressi Tyson explained that, “Healing crystals do help promote health, but only to individual cells and not to the entirety of the group, which then with their newfound powers dominate and replicate to overwhelm other cells to become tumors and cancers, like the mutants of the X-Men or Spider-Man after being bitten by a radioactive spider, except instead of having Uncle Ben or Professor Xavier to help guide them, these cells running around like a cocky group of assholes doing whatever they want. We’ve been calling it the Kanye/Charlie Sheen Effect.”
Once alerted to the health risks and dangers that healing crystals pose, the United States Government proposed a bill that would exchange dangerous healing crystals for firearms. The program titled “Guns for Cancer Stones” would trade each healing stone surrendered with a high powered rifle, preferably an AR-15 or something fully automatic.
In a statement to the press, President Donald Trump had this to say, “Guns, which is a real source of power, can be used to shoot off any cancer one may have just by pointing the barrel end towards the cancer and pulling the trigger. Teachers will be getting a two for each one discount. Hippies on the other hand or anyone that smells of nag champa, natural deodorant, or patchouli will be shot on site forever creating this pox on civilization possible. All the crystals will be mashed up and eventually used as cut in Mexico Cartels for meth to hopefully, fingers crossed, kill all the meth heads with ass, brain, and heart cancer. Also, some of it will be put into Himalayan salt to kill all the hipsters who think they’re so fucking healthy with their fancy salt.”