Confusing Male Phrases: Part 1

In what is sure to be a many part series, we explore the world of male phrases and the confusion and hypocrisy that surrounds them. Today, in the first installment of Confusing Male Phrases, we visit the phrase “sucks dick.”

Men, guys, dudes, all of them love to throw around the term “(Insert) sucks dick.” This phrase can be used for a variety of people, places, or things from their sophomore history professor to their favorite sports team with no varying qualifications between them.

“Why don’t you like math?”

“Because it sucks dick.”

“Why did you sell your old iPhone?”

“Because it sucks dick.”

“Why don’t you go out with your friends and stop listening to “Pumped Up Kicks” while looking at firearms on Craigslist?”

“Because they suck dick.”

Now, I can’t speak for everyone, but personally, some of my favorite people in life suck dick. If the only review I received of anyone or anything was “sucks dick” I’d at least think about engaging that person or in said activity.

“That chair sucks dick.”

“Really? How good is it?”

So, I’m confused. When someone says that something or someone sucks dick shouldn’t that mean it’s fucking awesome because it will blow you?

As men and women, there is arguably no better feeling of domination than having someone put their mouth on your genitals. Mentally conquering an individual into believing that you are a good enough person to be rewarded with oral sex; a victory with prizes on multiple levels.

So the next time something bothers you, and you think about saying it “sucks dick” maybe used something else, something that actually sucks, like,

“Ugh I fucking hate Carol, she really colludes with Russia to ruin American Democracy and bring about a new age of white supremacy.”

“I know, she’s a real premature ejaculator.”

And use “sucks dick” in a different way, such as, “Man, that steak sucked so much dick I almost came in my pants at the table. I’m going back again tonight.”

Tune in next time when we explore the heavy use of the word “rape” during online video games.



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