Lawmakers Move To Legalize Prostitution To Please Virgin Herd

Lawmakers in Washington have been moving towards legalizing prostitution to appease an ever-growing group of radical virgins named “incels.” The bill was introduced by Texas Republican Senator Ted Cruz, who offered sympathy for the group.

“As a young man, I wasn’t able to even be in the presence of a woman until I was almost 22 years old and it wasn’t until I was 30 that I first had sexual intercourse with a woman, which took place on our wedding night,” Cruz explained. “And although I lost my virginity the way Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ intended, I can relate to the pain and frustration these whit…young men feel every day.”

The bill hopes to stop terrorist attacks like the one that occurred in Toronto where one of the group’s members mounted the curb running over pedestrians, killing 10 people. The attack was a result of years of built-up frustration and anger towards the opposite sex for rejecting him for better-looking men. Energy that could’ve been directed towards working out, developing a personality, or starting a business, becoming someone that a female would want to fuck.

Business analysts with their eye on Washington believe that not only will the bill open up avenues for new business ventures, but may also cause increases in productivity throughout the market.

“If there is one thing I know, it’s that hookers are expensive,” exclaimed Jim Kramer, Founder of TheStreet. “And that high cost of sex in conjunction with the amount of time that these guys are going to be trying to make up, they are going to have to work harder than ever to keep up with their demand. In doing so, productivity across the market should see an increase from the piece of legislation.”

Some are unsure of whether or not the bill will receive support in Washington, but many close to the President believe he is very excited to sign the documents.

“Nobody loves hookers more than Trump.”

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