Today, environmental scientists from all over the United States gathered in Los Angles, California to listen to a lecture on the next stage of evolution for bathroom hygiene. South Florida resident and autistic man, Mickey Pugnuts will be giving a talk about his new development that is preparing to “fuck the toilet paper industry right in the butthole.”

“Toilet paper leaves you messy and unhygienic. Smearing poop around between your butt crack only cleans about 50% of leftover feces,” Pugnuts explained. “Through advancements in technology we were given the bidet, the paperless hygiene option that cleaned up to 80% of leftover feces,” he continued. “And yet again, technological advancements have brought us even closer to clean than ever before.”

Pugnuts proposed an eco-friendly option to the audience. The hygiene alternative would involve a toilet-shaped tank that contained a pool of water; the user would dip their ass into the tank which contains shrimp and other bottom-dwelling sea creatures that would then perform the task of cleaning the users’ backside.

“Within five minutes of being submerged in the water these workers would clean 100% of fecal matter left after going to the bathroom,” he stated. “The water stays consistently filtered through the tank on the back of the bowl, keeping the shrimp safe and free to continue eating ass. And the best part is, you never have to feed them!”

So far, 35 million units have been preordered in the U.S. be eco-conscious Americans. Though others had different reasons to make the change.

“I just like the way it tickles,” one lecture goer said.

This fall the tanks will be on sale to the general public and is expected to reduce waste paper by almost 30%. But, we can’t wait to get our hands on it and make it our new favorite sex toy.

 

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