“If they’re going to watch me, I might as well put on a good show.”

Since the mass commercialization of the webcam in 2003, Erick Finklemeister has been trying to reinvent himself in the eyes of the FBI.

“Every day, I sit down in from of my computer, put on something to masturbate to, and try to give the FBI agent watching me the best show possible,” stated Finklemeister. “Whether I’m looking a hardcore, interracial, intersex, interspecies gangbang, or jerking off to the lingerie section of the Sears website innovation is always my primary focus.”

To date, Erick has performed 7,382 different shows for those peering through his webcam, nearly twice a day since 2003, only taking a few months off for a penile fracture that occurred while Finklemeister was attempting to penetrate a Chipotle burrito after jumping off a ladder he set up in his living room.

“I’ve used ropes and chains, ball gags, and whips. Tied a teddy bear to my stove and fucked while I hung myself. I’ve stood over my laptop and shit while I did it, and even let a group of strangers run a train on me. But no matter what I think of next there is always a new way to push the envelope for the next time. I feel like it’s my responsibility to let them know that if they want to watch me beat off to Taylor Swift bikini pics at 10 am on a Wednesday, they’re going to be in for a ride they didn’t anticipate.”

When asked why he doesn’t just put tape over his webcam like an average human he explained:

“Because then nobody would learn anything! Do I like that they watch me? Sure. Would I still be doing this if they weren’t? Hell yeah. But for me, it makes sense that if they’re going to spy on me, I might as well make them a captive audience for my jerk sessions. Making them and their jobs a little harder.”

Next time, we will talk to the lady who records herself spraying Mountain Dew out of her asshole to protest Net Neutrality.




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