“You know how you get skinny? By working out and eating right! It takes hard work, and dedication to get the results you want,” explained Marge Billings to her 13 years old daughter, Sophia. “Skipping meals and taking shortcuts isn’t going to get you anywhere regardless of what that little tramp Jessica from down the street says. That girl is so skinny she looks like she has cancer.”
Marge is worried that Sophia is developing an eating disorder after she noticed her daughter skipping meals. When she confronted her daughter, Sophia explained that she is trying a new weightless strategy called intermittent fasting.
“Back in my day, we lost weight the right way,” Billings stated. “We didn’t need to eat at certain times of the day, we ate ‘lady-portions’, and if we wanted a lighter meal, we switched to a nice healthy meal replacement shake like Omnifast.”
Although, in the storm of concern for her daughter and the anxiety-laced confusion that new things bring her, she conveniently forgot that meal replacement drinks like Omnifast lead to caloric deficiencies in users that would cause significant side effects. In multiple reports, Omnifast users report fatigue, mood swings, hair loss, anal leakage, severe acne, loss of fingernails, and even death from replacing their meals with the chocolate shakes.
“Those reports are bullshit,” Marge contested. “I only passed out 6 or 7 times on the Staten Island Ferry during the three years I was on Omnifast.”
In 1995, Omnifast received a class action lawsuit from 794 consumers or families members of consumers who have died or lost limbs from following the companies three shakes per day regimen.
“Whatever, that still doesn’t mean..”
In 1998, another class action lawsuit was filed against Omnifast when their “new and improved” formula caused 1,387 people to go blind. Another 851 more died as soon as the drink touched their lips.
“Fine, you know what if she wants to grow up to be a prostitute that’s fine by me. Just don’t come crying to me when…”
In 2000, Omnifast was forced to close after 43,805 people…
“ALRIGHT ALREADY WE GET IT. OMNIFAST CAUSES DEATH AND CANCER. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH…FUCK YOU.”