In an effort to make conditions more human, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement will rid their facilities of its metal cages and foil blankets to make room for what the GOP is calling a “new and improved” holding system.

Instead of keeping children in “summer camp” conditions, children of undocumented immigrants are now being upgraded to “five-star resort” levels of comfort as stated by Laura Ingraham on the Fox News program “The Shitbreath Dickhead Hour.”

“Because of all the liberals crying about the conditions the prisoners…children where being kept in, ICE has decided to improve the condition along with revamping their tracking system to avoid losing any more children,” Ingraham said. “The children will now be kept in a shared space with other children, where they will get to lie next to get each other one right next to the other in a large manila folder. The folders will have a large sheet of paper with all their information, and they get to hang out and relax there all day, not a care in the world.”

“Wow! Sign me up!” Tucker Carlson exclaimed. “Lucky little wetbacks.”

“I know right? They don’t even have to get up to go to the bathroom, they go right into their ICE provided diapers,” Laura continued.” The maid comes and changes them once a week!”

“I can’t believe how fair and humane our Fuhrer is, such a kind leader!” Carlson said.

“Indeed”

*Group whitely laughs*

Next week, Fox News will be teaming up with the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation to cover the new conditions of the children. The piece will be titled “America First: Keeping Our Freedom Safe.”

 

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