“Everything’s bigger in Texas.”

“The stars at night are big and bright deep in the heart of Texas.”

“It’s Dallas’s year this year ya’ll I know it.”

“You know, Texas is the only state with the right to secede and become its own country?”

“Shiner Bock.”

A new study published by the University of California Berkley revealed that after a study of more than 5,000 mammalian species on planet earth it has concluded that Texans can maneuver their heads farther up their anal cavities than any other mammal on the planet.

“It’s basically just confirming information that we all thought we knew, but never tested,” said Wilbert Nye, the lead researcher on the team. “The study concluded that people from Texas have their heads farther up their ass than anyone else.”

The findings displayed that no matter if the topic ranges from barbeque to sport teams, residents of the state of Texas are more than happy to boast their mediocrity.

The brainwashing begins from a young age with children’s books like “If You Mess With Texas I’ll Fuck You Up” and “Everywhere is Stupid, But Texas.” Then the process escalates to toys like “My First Boots and Spurs.” Children are then taught about history the Texas way; being one of the only states that have an entire year of history dedicated to the state.

By the time they reach adulthood Texan’s heads are so far up their ass they believe that everything produced in the state is the highest quality in the universe and will defend that belief to their dying breath.

In response to Berkeley’s findings, The New World Order has begun drastically increasing the amount of carbon monoxide in the atmosphere above the state in hopes that those who live here will start to pass out and die.

Researchers are confident in this plan, but hoping the results come sooner rather than later.

“Fingers crossed,” Nye concluded. “May God have mercy on their souls.”

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