In an attempt to regain legitimacy from the democratic party, Elizabeth Warren will be undergoing racial reassignment surgery to make herself more Native American.
The process will take 17 hours and involve three blood transfusions and an experimental DNA reconstructive surgery to align her DNA with those of people who ancestors really were native to the United States before colonization.
“Well being a totally normal human with warm blood and no relation to reptiles at all, I can say that Liz is a determined servant of mine, and she wants to prove to Americans that she loved this country before evil white colonists got their hands on it,” Hilary Clinton released in a statement on her Twitter account. “Racist Donald Trump and his name calling won’t bully her out of being a native that she believes she is on the inside.”
After the procedure is complete, Warren will be changing her name from Elizabeth to Saqui and moving to the Qualla Boundary, or the Eastern Cherokee Indian Reservation in Cherokee County, North Carolina. It’s from there that she will begin to learn her tribe’s native language and tradition that she has so conveniently ignored all these years.
She hopes that through this change, she will become not only the first female president of the United States but also the first Native American president as well.
When asked for a statement, Saqui Warren replied, “Howgh.”